Fear and Loathing In The Diaper Pail

OK, yesterday people got to my blog searching, “I caught my husband fucking the babysitter”; “carrie bradshaw – sex + belleville” and the best one, “Italian curse words fongool”

This raises a few questions. One, at WHAT POINT did I EVER write ANYTHING about my husband and the babysitter? If I have the words “husband” “fucking” and “babysitter” at any point on this thing, then all the sudden I’m telling lurid secret gossip about myself, I guess. For the record, my husband is not F-ing the sitter.

Two, who wants to know about a fictional character from New York in an Illinois suburb? Weird combo.

Three, this rules, and for anyone else searching, here is your answer. Fongool means “up your ass”. Or more literally, “go do it in an ass”. It’s a shortened form of “va’ a fare in culo”. The correct Italian spelling of fongool is “vaffanculo” or even shorter, “fanculo”.  There. Now you know.

 AH HA!!! Someone else hit my blog searching for "Robert DeNiro turns into a cabbage". AWESOME.

Gonna be a scorcher today. It's the first day of summer, so I suppose that's appropriate. I already put out my sprinklers for an hour, but I may have to do it again this afternoon just to keep the plants cool. I have baby plants I dont want scorched.

Other than that, there's nothing to DO. And it's too hot to be outside. I guess I'll just take Liam to the mall and go window shopping. I really dont care for window shopping. I'm more of a know-what-I-want-go-in-and-buy-it shopper. But if I have to sit around this house all danged day, I'm gonna go nuts. Maybe I'll buy us an ice cream or cookie to share. That would be nice.

Then I think I'll take him to Whole Foods and maybe buy some bread.

Christ, I can't believe I sit on this stupid thing and write down stuff I think I might do.

I have decided that Anthony is the hot Wiggle.

Kill. Me. Now.

 11:30 a.m.

Is it HOT today! Nice and muggy. The ways like I LIKES it.

Nothing is up. Just popping in to say hi. If you havent seen Jesus Is Magic, please do so immediately.

I'll think of something more to say later. And that aint a threat. It's a promise.

 ***********

2:31 p.m.

RealSimple is such a great magazine. Check this out. It's called a Message Bean. You send someone this little plant and the bean sprouts up with a message on it. www.spoonsisters.com Hmmm.

So I'm at the store and I'm checking out and the silly checkout girl cards me. Here is the exchange:

GIRL: "Can I see your drivers license?"

ME: "Sure."

she stares at it for awhile.

GIRL: "Are you under 27?"

ME: "I'm 30."

GIRL: "Cause the computer asks if you're under 27."

ME: "And my license says 1976 on it, so I'm 30."

GIRL: "So … "

ME: "So 30 is more than 27."

GIRL: "So what's the cutoff date then? 78?"

ME: "You'd be 28 if you were born in 78. The cutoff date is 1985."

GIRL: "I'm just really bad at math."

Yeah.

Factoids are never interesting. But people have viewed my blog after searching for "pedialyte tantrums" and, curiously, "nursing home fucking." Not to mention the previous "cabbage muppet" search.

Hmmm.

Oh man, this was funny. The old guy across the street ran his RV into his house yesterday. I was walking through the living room and saw him backing up his big gold Ford Expedition to hitch up to his RV, which sits next to the garage. Didnt think much of it, walked into the dining room, where two seconds later I hear this huge CRRRRRRRUNNNNCH!!! I thought, "Oh Lord, what did he do?"

I go to the window to see his car down the hill at the neighbor's house and the RV SIDEWAYS with its ass end in his living room. He's trying to get his SUV back up the hill and back onto his driveway so he guns it and dirt and the neighbor's forsythias go flying everywhere. The back side of his car is completely crunched. He destroyed the neighbor's air conditioner (it's about 90 degrees today). There's a gaping hole into his living room, where his wife was sitting when it happened. There's siding and insulation everywhere. Glass is broken on the RV.

This gigantic truck with a winch you could probably haul an ocean liner with had to come figure out how to pull the RV out. It took about an hour, but the tow truck guy figured it out. To add insult to injury, the tow truck guy could hardly maneuver on this skinny residential street and we watched as he mauled the mailbox on his way out.

Old Guy swears his foot slipped off the brake and onto the gas, but this scenario makes his story highly suspect. More likely he thought he was in drive when he was really in reverse and gave the pedal a good push. His wife was HOPPING mad. I mean, H-O-T, ready-to-divorce-this-guy mad. He just kept walking in circles around the house as if that would help something.

How embarrassing to do something like that and then have to explain to all the curious neighbors, the tow company, the insurance company what happened and then live with a busted up car, an unusable camper and blue plastic tarp all over the side of your house. Not to mention facing your neighbor with a ruined garden and flattened air conditioner. This will probably cost him a pretty penny. The A/C alone will set him back a couple thousand.

I may go across the street and see if the neighbors need to borrow a couple of fans.

Aint much up.

I've commissioned an art project from my son (who, at present is supposed to be napping. It's 3 pm and he hasnt taken one yet today). He fingerpaints on a large piece of paper until he gets bored. This takes about 5 minutes. Then I let it dry and then frame it with a white mat in a 16×20 frame. It looks cool! He's done one, I'm going to have him do three more.

Hoosier Boy hasnt come back except to mow the front lawn once. Notice I did not say the back lawn, which you need a machete to get through. I've since talked to a couple neighbors and they both said that they and their spouses would be willing to sign a petition and show up for court if I decide to press charges for peace disturbance on this kid. How great is that? So I will keep that in my pocket for a rainy day.

I'm making fish sticks and macaroni and cheese for dinner. Yum. And you know all you need is ketchup.

Well, thats it. Gotta go. I think I'll straighten up around here. Random Hot Wheels and shoes and magazines and half-empty soda cans all over this place. See ya!

Saturday was a great day! We went to the Cards/Cubs game. First time at the new stadium and it is awesome. I gotta say, I was against the new stadium. I loved my Busch, didnt (and still dont) believe we really needed a new one. They were going to tear down where all my baseball memories were made. But I have to admit, these new digs are really nice.  

Dropped Liam off at my mom's and met up with our annual group at Hammerstone's in Soulard, sat outside under the trees, had a couple beers. The weather was perfect, low 80s, not a cloud in the sky. Went over to the stadium, our seats were in the shade, there was a nice breeze. Great day for ball.

Not a great day for the Cardinals, unfortunately, but a great day for ball.

Liam can say a few things now. Just so I dont forget, I am writing them down:

Hi, Daddy! (with wave)
Bye, Daddy! (with wave)
Bye-Bye! (with wave)
Hi there! (with wave)
Cheese! (sounds like "zeeeeze!")
This (Deece!)
That (Dat!)
Down (Dah)

he can also meow, moo, oink and quack.

I will add to them as I remember. He will also take your hand and lead you or push your legs toward wherever he wants you to be. This novelty wore of a couple weeks ago.

He also knows who he is. If you say, "Where's Liam?" he points to his head.

He also remembers stories. The other night I was reciting a story and he climbed down off my lap, ran into his room, and after some rummaging around, came back out with the book.

He also makes the connection between some toys and the real thing. I was hanging pictures and hammering nails into the wall and he went to the toy box, fished out his toy hammer and started banging on the wall with it.

He feeds his toys. He has an Ernie tub toy he plays with outside the bath. The other day he was feeding it Cheerios and then he gave Ernie a drink from his sippy cup and when Ernie was done drinking, Liam said, "Ahhh!" Like, "Wasnt that refreshing?"

My son is a genius.

Last night was the cutest of all though. He was standing next to Adam on the sofa and it was time to go to bed. I said, "Time to go night-night!" and he said, "Bye bye!" and leaned over three times to kiss Adam on the cheek and then hugged his head and said, "Awww!!"

None of this stuff is probably that interesting to you, but if I dont write it down and I forget it, then I'll be sorry.