Fear and Loathing In The Diaper Pail

Part of what I like about writing this blog is that I can just write down stuff I want to remember, whether or not any one else finds it as interesting or funny. Naturally, dear reader,  you probably don’t. The things your own kids do are usually only interesting or funny to you. But they’re your kids, so you want to remember them, because this time is really very short and it won’t be long before your wee one is shaving and driving and being too smart for his own damn good.  So record the cute and funny stuff. It’s worth it later.

Anyhoodley, one of Liam’s funny things the last couple of weeks have been his interest in Wheel of Fortune. Now, I dont care for the show myself, but it’s exceptionally clean and the contestants yell letters and there are funny sound effects like the BLOOOOOOOOOOP! sound when someone spins a “bankrupt”. Liam ALWAYS imitates the Bankrupt Bloop. So what do I care if we kill the half-hour before story time and lullabies with Pat and Vanna? It’s better than Deal or No Deal, at any rate, with 26 hookers with briefcases and fool-acting contestants and that stupid banker-phonecall gimmick. In any case, I knew Liam liked Wheel of Fortune. What I didn’t realize was how much he was catching on until last week when my mom and I took him out to lunch. In the restaurant’s lobby, there were chairs that spun around and Liam was goofing off on them and started spinning them. After a few tries, he gives one of the chairs a good, hard spin and yells, “N!!” Then he spun the chair again and yelled, “H!!” And again. “A!!” And I thought to myself, “Oh my God, he’s playing Wheel of Fortune.”

 The other funny thing is Liam’s penchant for the BeeGees. He likes Night Fever well enough, but he really loves Stayin’ Alive and he’ll sing it to himself all day. Just walking around the house going, “Sayin’ a-ive! Sayin’ a-ive! Ah-ah-ah-ah Sayin’ a-IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE! Yeah!” And he adds in his own words for whatever he’s doing or eating. I have heard “Cheese cheese cheese cheese sayin’ a-ive, sayin’ a-ive” and “Grapes grapes grapes grapes sayin’ a-ive, sayin’ a-ive” and “Cars cars cars cars sayin’ a-ive, sayin’ a-ive.”. It just makes me laugh. Then yesterday he started learning the rest of the words, and while his pronunciation is extremely garbled and baby-like, there is nothing quite like hearing a two-year-old proclaim that we can tell by the way he uses his walk he’s a woman’s man, no time to talk.

Jesus FING CHRIST! For the third time in less than 24 hours I’ve accidentally read a spoiler on The Sopranos! DAMN IT! I watch the show on DVD and the last episode on TV is Sunday. So everyone is all Sopranos Crazy right now. I was on Slate and wanted to read a mob-related article that supposedly had nothing to do with the Sopranos and in the FIRST GODDAMNED PARAGRAPH the stupid hootchy “writer” who has probably never watched the show slips some big stuff from this last half of the season. I’m going to have to crawl into a damn cave on Monday morning until the DVD comes out.

 There. Vent partially released. Expect more. And nobody better send comments with more dirt. I DONT WANT IT! Leave me alone! I’m in a Self-Imposed Sopranos/Mafia/La Cosa Nostra Cave starting NOW.

…

OK, now.

Whaddup, yo. Not much up here. Got some peppers growin in the backyard. Saw Pat Benatar at Rib America last weekend, which was heeelarious. That’s about it.

 For a few weeks now, Liam has been saying what sounds very much like, “That’s not fair!”, a little phrase I am pretty sure he learned from Sesame Street, when Elmo and Zoe battled it out over whether Rocco the Pet Rock should be able to take an extra turn on the tire swing and eat Elmo’s favorite cookie. But I think I’ve changed my mind.

See, at Halloween, my mom gave Liam a little Spiderman cell phone, with buttons that have different ring tones and “messages”. Liam loves it and talks to no one in particular on it all the time. The messages say things like, “Mary Jane’s in trouble? I’m on my way!” and other heroic stuff. But the other day, Liam was pressing buttons and saying, “That’s not fair!” and I couldn’t figure out why. “What’s not fair?” I’d ask. Until I realized the message on the phone was saying, “Stung by fate!” and Liam was repeating it. THAT’S what he’s been going around saying for weeks on end.

“Stung by fate!” That’s awesome.